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Urban Guerrilla
by Gary Charpentier |
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I
ride a lot in the city. Most of my yearly accumulation of
miles is racked-up on the well-worn asphalt of the urban
jungle. My commute takes me through downtown, and most of my
recreational riding takes place in and around the metro
area, with only the occasional foray into the vastness of
"out there". I have been devoted to sportbikes for several
years now, but I increasingly find that the key to traveling
in the choked confines of our metropolitan paradise is a
light weight, upright, narrow machine that can exploit the
sudden gaps in traffic and hop curbs at random. Any of the
current dual-sport machines are adequate for this kind of
duty, but my favorites are the big 4-stroke thumpers like my
own NX-650, the XT from Yamaha, DR from Suzuki, KLR from
Kawasaki, and any number of Rotax-powered exotica from
Europe. These bikes are the perfect Urban Guerrillas;
mobile, agile, and hostile! As population and
traffic volume increases, Café Racing as a lifestyle
must evolve in order to survive. In the past, the
repli-racer with ton-up top speed and infinite lean angle
was the tool of choice. Today however, these bikes will find
themselves too often tied up in the snarled city traffic
right along with the touring bikes and cruisers. The Urban
Guerrilla, however, is not afraid to duck down an alley or
squeeze down the right side between cars and curbing past
the long line at an eternal red light. In some cases this is
even legal, but in all cases it is frowned upon by
non-riders. Screw 'em, I've got places to go! This new crop of
Luxury SUV's really infuriates me. The Cadillac Escalade,
for example, whose commercial says it can order you tickets
to any concert, reserve a seat in any exclusive restaurant,
and other such "I'm better than you" stunts. The claim that
really had me rolling on the floor was when they said "It
makes obstacles obsolete". Oh yeah? Tell that to Mr. Bigshot
CEO as he smolders in the rush-hour morass. The monthly
lease on one of these is more than my mortgage payment, yet
I can get anywhere in the metro area much quicker on a
motorcycle bought for less than the sales tax on one of
these behemoths. Lexus and Mercedes have come out with
similarly elitist boxes, and their vulgar displays of excess
income really offend me! I cannot resist the urge to
retaliate when the opportunity presents itself. Not only do
they guzzle precious petrol at an obscene rate, but they
block my view in traffic and their drivers are, more often
than not, talking to their broker on the cell phone instead
of watching where they are going. This makes them fair game
as far as I'm concerned, a valid target for whatever kind of
vehicular harassment I can dream up. How I would love to
leave knobby tracks all over their fancy flanks! All right,
so maybe I am a closet communist, I don't know. Or maybe I
am just tired of seeing huge, expensive vehicles
transporting one solitary, self-important striver to and
from their perq-filled day at the corporate castle. Whatever
the motivation, the dual-sport, Urban Guerrilla motorcycle
fits all of my proletarian mission requirements
perfectly. Let's talk about
curbage for a moment. When you ride Urban Guerrilla style,
curbs are your friend. There is one particular, very long
traffic signal that comes to mind, where the traffic backs
up for more than a block, usually for several minutes. I
have found that, by hopping a curb into an adjacent parking
lot, I can motor past all the cars to the exit on the cross
street, squirt across the road through a gap in the traffic,
and make a right turn back onto my original heading,
sometimes hacking as much as 5 minutes off my travel time!
Then there is the question of metered onramps. Most of these
do not have HOV/Motorcycle bypasses yet, but as an Urban
Guerrilla you can make your own! Simply take the off-road
option, passing the line of crazed commuters safely on the
grass. I have done this several times, and the cars waiting
in line always blow their horns in celebration and make hand
gestures I can only interpret as telling me that I'm Number
One! I simply smile and wave as I jump back on the ramp and
continue my journey. Parking has always
been a hassle in the city. The Urban Guerrilla has an answer
for that as well. Though not strictly legal, you can usually
hop a curb and park on an unused section of sidewalk or
concrete up close to your objective. I do this all the time
and have yet to be ticketed for illegal parking. Another
prime piece of parking real estate for the creative U.G. is
that funky concrete, grass or gravel-filled island at the
near end of the parking rows in shopping center parking
lots. By simply hopping the curb again, you can park even
closer to your destination than the handicapped spaces.
There is never a "No Parking" sign posted on these terrain
features, as the architects always employ car-think when
they lay out the parking lots. So even if you do get a
ticket, you can probably fight it successfully in court. The
key is to never establish a pattern by using the same space
over and over. Someone is certain to complain if you rub
their noses in it. Now, I am not
advocating anything here. I am merely exercising my first
amendment right to the free exchange of ideas. I tried the
soapbox routine a couple of issues ago and was severely
blasted for my efforts. You are all grown-ups out there, at
least in theory… But just as I have been chastised by
readers in the past for criticizing their choice of riding
gear, I am sure I will hear from many of you about this
concept of creative commuting. Good! We could use some
lively discussion in these pages. Some of you may say that I
am inconsistent, extolling the virtues of safety gear one
day and promoting anarchy in the streets the next. Well, I
didn't say you should practice Urban Guerrilla Warfare
without wearing a helmet and body armor. In some
neighborhoods, riding this way could very possibly draw
gunfire! But that's just one of many obstacles the committed
U.G. has to deal with. Police pursuit is
always a possibility, and as a rule of thumb I would say
that you have no more than two minutes to break contact with
that first patrol unit before the net begins to close on
you. Don't EVEN let them get close enough to read your
license number! A bit of mud or grease smeared on the plate
usually helps decrease your maximum detection distance, but
don't overdo it. An unreadable license plate is probably
illegal too. Dense traffic can be good or bad in these
situations. Good because you can squeeze through gaps that
they cannot, and they are more likely to terminate the
pursuit to avoid endangering civilians. Bad because there
will always be that wanna-be superhero out there who will
try to take you down single-handedly with visions of glory
and an appearance on "COP's" dancing in his head. Cutting
through unfamiliar yards is always a crapshoot. You never
know who has a dog tied up in back, and despite what you see
in the movies, even the best equipped U.G. will probably
lose any contest with a cyclone fence. All in all, I would
say that running from the police is just a bad idea. Smile
and take the ticket from the nice officer, and live to ride
another day. So, are you
committed enough to be an Urban Guerrilla? Well I know that
I am--committed, that is. In fact, I have to go now. Nurse
Ratchet says that it's time for my medication. M.M.M.
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