Canadians Gone Wild by Gus Breiland It started as an email shared amongst friends with the title “We are so doing this!” and with the knowledge that it most likely won’t happen. Then comes the registration and a couple of nights at the bar “planning” but not remembering what we agreed to the following day.
Mike, Will and I register and begin to formulate a plan on invading and conquering Canada. I have already talked with Scooterville and my TGB Delivery Scooter is on order. Mike was going to cover the 150cc class with his Aprilia and Will began his search for the below $500 “fix and ride” scoot, as if 500 miles on a scooter wasn’t enough of a challenge. After I take deliver of my scooter, I adjusted my goal to 18 hours. Sometimes reality and an 1/8 o’ ton of fun on a 50cc scooter force one to modify ones goals. With insanity setting in, Will had to bow out, claiming his wife had made plans already. We assumed he sobered up. Mike and I, still in a haze, began to plan our trip that included Mike’s old Dodge Dakota and a sentence that would carry us throughout the weekend “What could go wrong?” With that in mind, we approached Keith. Keith had a new 4 door pickup. Mike found Keith a Honda Helix to cover the 250 cc class. Keith was told that “We want you to come. Not just because you have a nice truck…” but because he is our friend and…it was because he had a nice new 4 door truck. We arrived in Burlington, Ontario that Friday afternoon looking forward to the ride that started in about 16 hours. Watching our fellow scooter riders start to trickle in we unloaded out scoots and noticed the Helix’s rear tire was, hmmm, what is a good word here, um….treadless. “Huh, it looked ok in the dark.” I seem to remember Mike stating. After a couple of hours of calling around to anyone and everyone we could think of having scooter tires, we found a place that had the right rim size, just the wrong diameter. “Great! We’ll take it.” Changing a tire in the parking lot occupies a lot of time. It is a great diversion from the boredom and monotony of waiting for the riders meeting and the start of the ride. Fortunately, between the 3 of us, we had just enough knowledge and tools to strip the old skin off and shod the Helix with a new shoe.
Of course I was lying on my back when I saw them, for the last time until the finish. They passed me with a quick “Good luck”. From the looks of their helmets shaking back and forth as they disappeared in the morning miles, they were not laughing with me. Where there was a wire attached to the spark plug socket, there is now a hole and the wire is hanging limp. Duct tape, electrical tape, zip ties and tools litter the ground around me. The final scooter riders (my American teammates) have passed me and I have 791 kilometers to go out of an 800-kilometer ride. This is my 2005 Mad Bastard Scooter Rally. What I didn’t know is there was a beautiful day and scenic roads ahead of me. What I did know was there was a bar 15 minutes away…of course I would have to get my scooter running and if it is running I should be riding. Damn catch 22’s. Fighting the temptation to attempt alcoholism as a hobby, I finished my repair, threw my tools in the trunk and chose the path that would lead me around Lake Ontario. I was a part of a 3 man expeditionary force sent up from the States to check out this so-called 2005 Mad Bastard Scooter Rally. We had learned that it was being used as a cover to test our soft border with our friends to the North. Our duty was to observe and hassle the enemy to the best of our abilities. I had chosen a TGB 50cc Delivery Scooter as my scooter to menace the populations of Southern Ontario and North West New York. Mike was on his Aprilia Scarabeo and Keith was borrowing a Honda Helix. We had the classes covered (50cc, 160cc and 250cc); now we just had to ride. The rally was set up in 8 different legs. A fuel or ferry receipt was necessary at the end of each leg, while also recording your time and mileage at each checkpoint. Extra points were awarded based on your age, age of your scooter, a picture with Tansy, your bum, and a photo with the friendly people of Rochester. What wasn’t standard was the 50cc performance. Usually a motorcycle rider hears 100k and thinks one hour. It is now 2.5 hours. My cruising speed was roughly 54-57 kph with uphill climbs being my enemy and time being its weapon of choice. There was no time for errors; no time for standing around, on the 50 you have to ride or the day just becomes longer. To reduce some of my time, I had mounted a 5-gallon fuel tank inside of my delivery box. With a range of more than 560 km, I would not have to stop to fill up at every fuel stop, I would just have to run into the station, buy a bottle of water, hydrate and go. This kept my overall average speed at 45k and allowed me to shoot for 19 hours rather than my initial 18-hour estimate…damn spark plug wire. The course took us through Burlington, Belleville, Kingston, across to Wolfe Island and onto Mexico…NY. We continued to Rochester, Ridgeway, and Niagara and back to Burlington. 800 kilometers of riding a scooter, what better way can you think of to spend a day?
The awards the following day proved victorious for us southerners. Mike and Keith took top prize in the 150 and 250 classes respectively. With my tail between my legs, I found that my ride that I was so proud of had come up short on bonus points. Damn, no clean sweep. I had put in a pretty good ride, but not good enough. Hopefully there will be a next year so I can vindicate my shame and bring honor to the American 50cc class. CMG put on a wonderful event and the participants and volunteers were phenomenal. Our duty as 2005 Mad Bastard Riders is to pester CMG all year until they finally give into our demands to run the Mad Bastard Rally again in 2006. With an event like this, filled with participants of this caliber, this event is now something that is no longer a “if I have time” but a “Must do!” Thank you to the following: To Minnesota Motorcycle Monthly for giving me the leverage to hornswaggle a scooter not my own, for providing some gas and beer money and for allowing me to bore our readership with yet another page of scooter related print. To CMG Online for putting on a classy affair that really ought to be run again next year so I can better my silly time of 19 hours and 15 minutes. Damn scooters. M.M.M.
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This article originally appeared in the September 2005
issue of Minnesota
Motorcycle Monthly.
The Mad Bastard Scooter Rally is one of those things you find as you stay up into the wee hours of the night Googleing your life away instead of sleeping. In 2004, the gentlemen of 
With that little drama behind us and a full night’s sleep we are up around 5am preparing to leave before 6. Well, Keith and I are up, Mike is dead to the world. Me being in pre-rally mode, I walk out of the room thinking he is just playing possum. Outside around the bikes Keith asks “Is Mike up yet?” “No, I ‘spose I should have gotten him up.” “I’ll get him” said Keith. I would not see them for another 30 minutes.
As we traversed the countryside, even my slowest scooter was able to come across fellow riders. Whether catching up to guys waiting for the Ferry, or watching people pass after passing them at the last fuel stop, we were a mass of Scooter bees spread over the countryside. It wouldn’t be until the end that I realized I may have been the slowest, but I was finishing towards the middle of the pack. I was happy with my ride for being pretty efficient with only a couple of wrong turns and a little spark problem. Ending my day at midnight put me around the lake in just over 19 hours. My compatriots had finished 4 hours earlier with people continuing to trickle in during the night. A little more luck and it would have been my planned 18 hours. Not too shabby for my little 50cc scooter.